When I first wrote Platonic in 2021, people saw friendship as trivial, unnecessary, and inferior to other forms of love (like familial or romantic love). As I reflected on the state of friendship this Palentine’s Day, I realized that not only have people been focusing on friendship more–with think pieces quipping that Gen Z values friendship over romance–but the rules of friendship have come to define all modern relationships.
In our liquid culture, the model for relationships has been rapidly changing. The kinds of relationships that we used to white-knuckle through, no matter how bad they got, for reasons like “loyalty”, are now opt-in. Whether from our father or our wife, we expect others to treat us well; otherwise, we’re out. The norms of friendships–voluntary, and mutually fulfilling–have crept into the norms of all our relationships.
In Eli Finkel’s popular 2017 book The All or Nothing Marriage, he argues that marital expectations are higher now than they’ve ever been. We want self-esteem, emotional growth, and deep fulfillment from our partners. It’s not about physical protection, the ability to bear children, or financial stability. Marriage is about self-actualization.
Not long after, in 2021, psychologist Joshua Coleman released the book Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict. There, he argues that while children used to stay connected to parents out of obligation, now children require that parents have “the ability to communicate their feelings in a noncritical, non-guilt-inducing, non-shaming way,” and “a willingness to see that the adult child has their own life separate from that of the parent.” He even goes as far as to say that children are looking for “soulmate parenting.”
Of course, many have criticized these changing relationship norms. That may be why the divorce rate may have risen to a staggering 42% or why rates of family estrangement are higher than ever- 27% of people are estranged from at least one family member.
But the fact that every relationship plays by the rules of friendship carries some good. Eli Finkel argues that while it’s harder than ever to find a marital partner, when people do get married, “they are the best marriages the world has ever known.” Similarly, higher expectations from children propel parents to emotionally grow in a way they wouldn’t have if their children were willing to absorb harmful behaviors thrown at them.
And yet, even as a friendship expert, I think there is something we lose when everything becomes friendship. In a half-year-long conflict with a friend, I often think about what it would be like to impose on the friendship an (increasingly outdated) model of family–that at the end of the day, we will come back to each other. When I think about her as family, I am poised to judge our relationship not by its struggles but by its many years of intimacy and safety. I like that everything is friendship now–in that we are all liable to treat each other better than before, to hurt each other less. But in the contexts of those relationships where we have a history of being treated well, even if we’re struggling currently, I yearn for the stick-it-out-ness that might have come from marriage or family relationships.
I’m inspired by the words of author Dean Spade who writes, “One of my goals in thinking about redefining the way we view relationships is to try to treat the people I date more like I treat my friends to be respectful and thoughtful and have boundaries and reasonable expectations-and to try to treat my friends more like my dates-to give them special attention, honor my commitments to them, be consistent, and invest deeply in our futures together.”
Instead of everything becoming friendship, I have to ask—What if we were to take our highest, our best self, in each kind of relationship and make it the model for all our relationships?
Upcoming Event
Profs & Pints DC: The Science of Making Friends with Dr. Marisa G Franco
Wednesday, February 25, 2026 | 6:00 PM | Washington, DC
Friends matter. They’ve been shown to improve mental and physical health, with one study of very happy people finding that their most defining characteristic was being socially connected.
Yet friendship networks have been shrinking over the last few decades as people have coped with distraction, burnout, and chaos. It doesn’t help that we live in a society that often prizes romantic love at the expense of other relationships.
How do we make and keep friends? What’s the secret to finding “your people” in an ever-more-fragmented world?
Learn what science says about making friends in this interactive talk by Dr. Marisa Franco, a psychologist who has extensively researched human connection and systemic loneliness and whose book Platonic has been extensively lauded as a source of great practical advice.
You’re never too old to make new friendships or deepen longstanding ones. Along with giving you an understanding of the scientific study of friendship, this talk will teach you practical steps you can take to build better connections with others to be happier and more fulfilled.
(Advance tickets: $13.50 plus sales tax and processing fees. Doors: $17, or $15 with a student ID. Listed time is for doors. Talk starts 30 minutes later.)
