Billy Baker became famous for having no friends. He wrote an article for The Boston Globe about his, and more generally middle-aged men’s, struggles in friendship. The piece went viral, striking a cultural chord. As fans reached out, they wanted more, asking Billy to not just identify problems in men’s friendships, but also solve them. This led him on a journey to make friends, which he outlined in his new book We Need to Hang Out. I interviewed him to find out why men struggle to make friends and what they can do about it.
How Men Can Make Friends
Reclaim Masculinity
Men have been taught to avoid behaviors that get them labeled as gay, a phenomenon called homohysteria. To make friends, however, men must transcend homohysteria. For example, Billy reached out to a friend he hadn’t spoken to in a while, Rory, only to realize Rory moved to Vienna while enduring a breakup. In a radical gesture typically confined to couples in romantic comedies, Billy flew to Vienna to rekindle the friendship and support Rory.
Making friends involves men reclaiming behaviors they’ve been taught to shun to bolster their masculinity since these same behaviors nurture friendship. For example, vulnerability, a meta-analysis found, makes others like us more. Showing affection, another study found, sustains friendship. To make friends, men have to disrupt masculinity, even if they do so gently. For Billy, this meant “Every person I know went into the acknowledgment section of my book. And in a jokey way, that was my way of saying ‘love you.’ ”
Prioritize Friendship
When heterosexual men get married, they tend to confide only in their wives. One study found that heterosexual husbands disclose less to friends than women (married or unmarried) or unmarried men. Married men turn inward, carving out an emotional island with their spouse, one that isn’t healthy for them or their marriage, since studies find that people are more resilient to strains in marriage when they have friends.
Billy shared that men are heralded for being lone wolves, or else for protecting their families. Prioritizing friends requires a shift in mindset. “I’ve been a good human in box-checky way. I woke up every day and I was going to be a good husband and a good father and I was going to go to the gym and I was going to eat my broccoli. What I have done is added being a good friend.” Now, Billy reaches out to friends and makes plans, realizing that friendship is “about intent and effort.”
Plan a Regular Activity
Billy concocted a few schemes to make friends. He invited his high school classmates to relive their senior skip day, initiated a boy’s trip to the mountains, and planned a regular mall night with his friends. It wasn’t until he decided to meet with friends to build a BMX track, however, that his friendships stuck. Sociologist Rebecca G. Adams, stated that “repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other” leads to friendship. Regular activities may be particularly important to men, who tend to use friendship to escape reality, while women use friends to face reality.
Billy’s efforts have paid off, and now he has a group of men he calls close friends. Since the pandemic hit, Billy has been happier than ever that he re-invested in friendship. “On a deeper evolutionary level, friendship means knowing you have somebody there for when it all hits the fan. I know people have my back. I’m very fortunate.”
For more on friendship, order my book: Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make- and Keep -Friends.
