Pandemic life is stressful, and we’re taking it out on each other. Living in tight quarters and spending every waking moment with roommates, spouses, or kids is the perfect breeding ground for conflict. And while conflict isn’t bad per se–talking through issues that will inevitably arise is a good idea–we can always do it better, so each of us isn’t left sulking in the corner until the vaccine.

When things get tense, here are five ways to deescalate conflict and salvage your relationships:

Accept Influence:

Couples researcher John Gottman conducted groundbreaking studies that predict which couples get divorced. His findings? Couples were more likely to stay together when, during times of conflict, husbands accept their wives’ influence. Accepting influence looks like the opposite of defensiveness; when the other person has a complaint, instead of telling them why they’re wrong, tell them why they’re right. Share “you have a good point” and look for things to agree about. When you accept influence, you’re not out to win the conflict. You’re out to find a solution that works for both of you.

Take a Break: 

According to psychiatry professor Dan Siegel, we have a “zone of optimal arousal” where we function best: we’re able to think rationally and consider others’ views. We exceed this optimal zone when we’re stressed, like when our toddler upchucks on our new shirt, or when our dog humps our leg during our zoom work meeting. When stressed, we tend to get hyper-aroused (e.g., ready to fight or run) or hypo-aroused (e.g., shut down; numb). Siegel argues that when we’re outside our zone of optimal arousal, our goal is not to keep arguing, because that will be futile or even damaging. It is to calm ourselves down. One way to do this is to take a break. Returning to the conflict when we feel calm will lead us to blame each other less and listen to one another more.

Affirm One Another:

Another gem from John Gottman is the concept of “the magic ratio.” Gottman found that couples that last have a 5;1 ratio of positive to negative comments.  Gottman recommends couples not only work through negative experiences but also build up positive ones. We start preparing to have healthy conflict before the disagreement happens by weaving a safety net of love and respect for one another. Expressing fondness and appreciation, sharing compliments, and showing admiration are all ways to do this.

Name the Underlying Emotions: 

Research finds that the simple act of naming emotions deactivates our amygdala, the part of the brain activated when we’re angry or stressed. We can use this to our advantage by naming the emotion the other person might be feeling during the conflict. Instead of responding to the content of their message, we can state the feelings behind it. For example, if your roommate says “I can’t think because you’re so loud during your zoom meetings,” don’t defend yourself. Reflect, instead, “So you’re stressed out and unable to focus?”

Find a Way to Laugh:

A study of couples engaging in conflict found that when they used humor, they reported being more satisfied with the relationship, feeling closer, and having a better resolution following the discussion. Importantly, however, these results depended on the type of humor. Aggressive humor (e.g., sarcasm or comments to bring down our partner) was related to less relationship closeness and satisfaction. Affiliative humor (telling jokes or bantering to reduce tension) related to these positive outcomes. So next time tensions are building, crack a joke.

Deescalating conflict is about showing the other person that you value their perspective, even when they are upset with you. We do so by admitting the merits of the other’s views, taking breaks, consistently affirming each other, reflecting the emotions underneath the content of our words, or melting tension with laughter. Using these skills will make our relationships, and our lives, a little easier.

For more on friendship, order my book: Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make- and Keep -Friends.

Note: You can also find this article on my Psychology Today blog.