With the pandemic making friendships hard to maintain, many of us are wondering which of our friendships will keep, or which we want to keep. Trimming friendships seems nonsensical in a society that’s been getting increasingly lonely. Research finds, for example, that, our friendship networks have been shrinking over the last few decades.

But trimming does have its benefits.

One of the benefits of trimming is that it can leave us more time to spend with people who truly matter. The more friends we hold onto, after all, the less time we have with each of them. This is evidenced by one study that found that having more contacts was associated with spending less time talking to each one. Another study revealed, albeit obviously, that we need interaction to maintain friendship. If we’re spread too thin, we may neglect to put in face-time with friends that matter, leaving important friendships to wither. We risk ending up with a bunch of shallow friend-quaintances.

Older people aren’t willing to take that risk. Socioemotional selectivity theory finds that as we get older, because we have limited time left on earth, we turn towards relationships that feel meaningful and let go of the rest. This tends to go well for older people, as research finds that while they prune their friendships, they are more satisfied with the friendships they keep.

Questions to Ask To Know Which Friends to Keep

Older people’s friendships show us that when it comes to friendship, more isn’t always better. We can be discerning about the friends we add to our lives by asking ourselves questions about our resources like:

• Do I have enough time for new friends amidst my other relationships and/or obligations?
• How much does maintaining the friendships I already have overwhelm me?

Even if we have time, we may still trim friendships because we lack compatibility, or our friendships aren’t necessarily healthy. We might ask ourselves questions to assess whether a friendship is working for us. These questions might include:

• Are they rooting for my success?
• Do I like who I am around them?
• Do I feel like myself around them?
• Does their company energize or deflate me?
• How much do they show interest in me?

Time and compatibility are two major drivers that help us figure out which friends to keep. That means when we have less time (e.g., after having kids), we may be more frugal with our friendships. That’s o.k. The important thing is that we are discerning rather than passive with friends we keep in our life.

For more on friendship, order my book (debuts September 6th, 2022): Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make- and Keep -Friends.

Note: This article is cross-listed on my Platonic Love blog on Psychology Today.