How do you make friends in a new city? Yasmin wondered, after she moved to Chicago where she didn’t know a soul. She was optimistic about making friends but had no idea how. She’d sit in cafes, or sometimes at bars, hoping someone might talk to her. She even went to a “going out” meetup group, despite her reservations about flying solo in a sea of strangers. She met a few people, but no one stuck.
Yasmin isn’t alone. Many of us have taken the brave step of moving to a new city, but are confused as to how to make friends. It’s hard, but not impossible. Here are some tips:
Ask Friends to Put You in Touch
Start the work of making friends before you get to your new city. Reach out to friends and see if they know anyone in your new city who they could put you in touch with. You might even post on social media (you can search for people by city on Facebook) to see if any old friends live in your new city.
Be Flexible
To make friends in a new city, be flexible, or open to “locationships”—friendships sustained simply because you’re in the same place at the same time. Research finds that quality interactions enhance our satisfaction with our relationships more so than any old interaction—which may leave you sifting through mounds of people to find people you deeply connect to, but also some interaction is better than no interaction. Even small conversations with others boost our mood and increase our sense of belonging. Plus, your locationships might introduce you to people you feel more connected to.
Soften Your Disregard Criteria
Michael, an immigrant from Syria who moved to Phoenix, can attest to the importance of being flexible. He prides himself on being someone who can get along with anyone—although he still has his deal breakers, like racism and disrespecting wait staff. Because of his Syrian background, others are sometimes wary of him, so he knows how it feels to be cast aside. That’s why when it comes to making friends, he doesn’t have stringent “disregard criteria” —snap judgments used to exclude someone as a potential friend.
Michael will make friends with retirees, people who have kids, or drive his uber. He once ended up hanging out with a bus driver who spent their time together picking up women. The bus driver date didn’t work out (he asked him to stop hitting on everybody!). But, it was still a good idea to soften disregard criteria and look out for all different types of friends.
Initiate
Michael’s other advice for making friends is to put yourself out there: initiate, and don’t take it personally if people turn you down. It can be as easy as saying “It was great talking to you. I’d love to hang out sometime. Can we exchange information?” He met his best friend in Phoenix, a Syrian doctor like him, at a party. He introduced himself, and later asked if she wanted to hang out. Evidence from psychology research backs up Michael’s advice: people who initiate are less lonely, and new acquaintances are more satisfied in their relationships with someone who is willing to initiate. Don’t assume friendships happen organically—go out there and make them happen.
Meet other Transitioners
We can also be strategic about who we initiate with. Transitioners are people who are new to an environment, and research finds that other “transitioners” are particularly open to spending time with new friends. So, you’ll want to make sure you follow up with other transitioners you meet. They’ll have more time to connect.
Find Opportunities For Repeated Interactions
After another quiet night alone of Pho take-out, Yasmin wasn’t sure if she should have moved to Chicago. She knew she’d like it better if she made more friends. To hold herself accountable, she joined a drawing class. And by showing up to meet others at a repeated, rather than a one-off event, Yasmin capitalized on a phenomenon called the “mere exposure effect”—the idea that the more we see someone, the more we like them. The mere exposure effect suggests that having continuous interaction with another person makes us more likely to form friendships. But you’ll still need to initiate—ask someone from your class to grab coffee after.
In the future, Michael looks forward to making friends who share his hobbies. He’d like running friends to run with, or nature friends to hike with. A part of him feels shy about making friends though, since he’s moved a lot and left many good friends. It’s tempting to spare himself the heartbreak. He pushes through the grief, however, by realizing how important friends have been to his life. “ Friends are ultimately about two people trying to make each other’s lives better. How can I say no to that? ”
For more on friendship, order my book (debuts September 6th, 2022): Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make- and Keep -Friends.
Note: This article is also posted on my blog on Psychology Today.
