One of the most effective ways I encourage people to try to make friends is by showing them that it won’t be as uncomfortable as they think.
I tell them about:
- The liking gap, a study that finds that when strangers interact, they underestimate how liked they are by one another.
- The beautiful mess effect: the finding that when we are vulnerable, we underestimate just how positively people view our vulnerability. We may think it makes them view us as weak, but it often makes them view us as authentic and genuine.
- A study that finds when we reach out to friends, they appreciate it more than we think.
And on and on. There are so many studies that find that acts of connection go better than we predict that there’s even a name for our tendency to misjudge the positive impact of acts of connection: undersociality.
But sometimes your acts of connection won’t go well. Someone won’t respond, will ignore you, or will judge you when you’re vulnerable. But friendship is not about escaping pain.
I teach a class on how to make friends, and I asked my students to do their final presentation on one act they can take to improve their friendships.
You know what they said?
Sure, they made time for friends amidst a busy schedule, but it was uncomfortable to ignore their work for a moment.
Sure, they made time for vulnerability, but it was awkward at first.
Sure, they reached out to a friend to say how grateful they were, but they worried they came off too strong.
But you know what?
They also said it was worth it.
In friendship, we often evaluate our actions by how painful something is. If it’s uncomfortable, awkward, or didn’t go well, we think we shouldn’t do something. But the greatest risk is doing nothing at all.
Because my students resoundingly said that even though being vulnerable, affectionate, and making time was uncomfortable, the benefits outweighed the costs.
This also means that we cannot judge the value of a behavior by its outcome. When it doesn’t work out when you talk to a stranger, bring up an issue, or try to rekindle a friendship—this is not a failure. We must, instead, see the bigger picture. Does this behavior contribute to the life I want to have, to me living out my values?
Connection is not about escaping pain. It’s about seeing pain more holistically, as a moment in a constellation of moments. Instead of judging yourself by how a single action turned out, judge yourself by the larger constellation: is this action bringing you closer to the life you want to live, the thriving connections you’ve been seeking?
