New Year’s Resolutions to make friends:

I got new glasses in 2019 right around New Years and sported them in a New Year’s Eve Facebook post with the caption, “I guess you could say I’m looking forward to 20-20.”

I can admit when I’m wrong.

So I’m going into 2023 with no expectations, ready for whatever it wants to show me. And I’m also ready to support those of you who want 2023 to bring you more connection.

So here are some science-backed resolutions to make more friends in 2023:

1.  Reconnect with an old friend.

One study found that when we reconnect with people, they appreciate it more than we assume. Scroll through your phone contacts and find someone you wish you never fell out of touch with. Send them a text saying you were just thinking about (XYZ memory) and you wondered how they were. If they seem interested, ask them to hang out.

2. Ask your friend to put you in touch with someone you might get along with.

We tend to be less lonely when our friends are friends with one another, one study finds. Making friends with your friend’s friends is a sustainable way to connect because then any one of you can reach out and maintain relationships for all of you.

3. Repot a relationship to make it a friendship.

“Repotting,” according to Ryan Hubbard, founder of the Kitestring Project, means varying the settings in which you interact. The more we repot a friendship, according to one study, the deeper the friendship. Repotting looks like asking a neighbor, or colleague, who you’ve been wanting to get to know better, to go for a walk or join you for tea.

4. Join something repeated over time.

One study involved planting strangers in a large lecture course for varying numbers of classes. At the end of the semester, students in the class were asked who they liked best among the strangers. It turns out they preferred the stranger who showed up for the most classes. This was true even though the students didn’t remember any of the strangers AND didn’t interact with any of them during the class. This phenomenon is called the mere exposure effect: our tendency to like people once they become familiar (and for them to like us!).

Research a group that meets regularly around a hobby or interest of yours (hiking? board games? sports? alumni groups? language classes?; Meetup is a good place to start). Commit to showing up for 2-3 months, so mere exposure sets in, and friendships can sprout.

5. Remember everyone else is looking for friends, just like you.

Sometimes, there are wonderful friend options around, but we discount them because we think “they already have friends,” or “I don’t want to seem lonely.” One study found we overestimate how socially connected others are, and it makes us feel like we don’t belong (though it can also motivate us to try to make friends).

This is the energy I’d recommend for you for 2023: So many people want to be my friend; they’re just waiting for me to ask.

As you put yourself out there to make friends in 2023, I’m rooting for you!

Want more? My NYT bestselling book Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make-and Keep-Friends and my website offer more insights on making friends.