Jamais vu is the opposite of déjà vu. It’s the feeling that something familiar is suddenly strange, unusual. It’s the feeling I get when I mix friends. A friend of 15 years, Heather, revealed her history of being in the marching band only when I introduced her to my friend Stephanie, a former band member. On a boat tour, my friend Vanessa holds out a fish on a stick for a gator to chomp on. My friend Zaria encourages her, who calls her “queen Nessa” and fans her confidence. My friend Harbani reveals her encyclopedic knowledge of Bollywood when she brings me around her other Indian friends. Mixing friends can make a well-worn friendship exhilarating.

Jamais vu is perhaps one of the reasons I’ve been craving more friend group time and less one-on-one friend time. But this year I’ve witnessed other reasons to mix friends: to better care for one another. A friend got sick and her friends had an easier time organizing dinners to send and coordinating babysitting when her friends were friends. A friend went through surgery, and a mutual friend mobilized us all to send a care package, something we’d all have wanted to do already but may have neglected without that extra push. Disability scholars have taught me that ableism has pushed us to see sickness as temporary, and thus care as temporary too. But, sometimes it’s not. And in those moments, it’s helpful to have a friend group, with each one pitching in to get you the care you need.

Mixing friends is also good for us. One study found that the more the people we know, know one another, the better our life satisfaction. I could speculate as to why. A friend that rarely checks in, reaches out regularly now that we’ve set up a Love is Blind group chat. When you’re in a group, if any one friend makes an effort to reach out, all the friendships are maintained. Our friendships become more sustainable. 

Of course, sometimes integrating friends can fail. When friends end up not gelling, it can make us feel nervous that everyone is blaming this catastrophe on us. But as one friend has reassured me, “They’re all adults. They’re responsible for their own good time.” And then there have been times when I’ve mixed a new friend into the fold only to realize that I don’t vibe with that friend. Then, I’m seeing this new friend at all our events, stuck in a grave I dug for myself. This can be easily avoided by vetting a friend before you mix them.

If I’ve sold you on some of its benefits, here are some tips for creating a community of friends. My advice here is to invite the same people to hang out a couple of times.

1. Next time you hang out with a friend, ask if you can invite another friend you think they might like. If they’re ok with it, add them all to a group chat so everyone can follow up with each other. Next time you do a similar activity as you did with them – say go on a hike again – invite them both. Also, ask them to reach out next time they’re going on a hike.
2. Think of an activity you enjoy – watching movies, cooking dinner, crocheting and invite all your friends who enjoy the same activity to hang out. If it goes well, suggest doing it again before everyone departs. Put a date in the calendar.
3. Go on a trip (day trip or longer) with friends who don’t know each other well. Sustained interaction creates a shared group identity.