Recently, I was asked to blurb a book called “Once Upon a Stranger.” In it, I learned fascinating insights on why talking to strangers can benefit you in ways that even your most intimate relationships can’t. I interviewed the author, Dr. Gillian Sandstrom, who is also an associate professor at the University of Sussex. 

To learn more about the fascinating science behind talking to strangers, read on:

Dr. Marisa G. Franco: How did you get interested in talking to strangers?

Dr. Gillian Sandstrom: One is my dad, who’s an epic stranger-talker. I grew up watching him do it, but I never really understood why he felt so compelled. It seemed like he just couldn’t help himself. But I’m an introvert, so I thought, that’s not for me.

Two, when I was in my mid-30s, I met a woman who worked at a hot dog stand near my campus in Toronto. I was doing my master’s degree at the time, dealing with a lot of imposter syndrome, as many people feel when working on graduate degrees — it was also a career shift for me, so I was carrying around a lot of doubt. And somehow this little micro-relationship with her started to matter a great deal. I never bought a hot dog, never even really talked to her, but we’d smile and wave at each other. It made me feel so seen and comfortable. 

MF: That reminds me of a study you cite in your book — that even making eye contact makes people feel more connected. I found that really interesting. I think we really underestimate the power of something that small in changing someone’s experience of connection.

GS: Yes — and I have a story about that. During COVID lockdown, we were only allowed to leave the house for exercise, so I was going for walks in the park every day. One day, I was completely in my head — stressed, anxious, I don’t even know what about anymore— and I walked past a woman pushing a baby carriage, and she just smiled at me. It didn’t make all the bad stuff go away, but it felt like a shock to the system. It helped me find the space to think, okay, everything’s going to be fine. And that was from just one tiny moment of connection.

MF: It’s beautiful — especially because you still remember it. I don’t think people go home thinking, “if I smile at this person, maybe years later they’ll be telling a story about how meaningful it was.”

GS: I actually suspect most people have stories like that — times a stranger made a huge difference to them. Maybe we remember those moments more because we don’t expect them.

MF: That brings me to another point from your book — the argument that strangers can actually provide benefits that our intimate relationships don’t. Can you break that down?

GS: Strangers and weak ties both offer things we don’t always get from close relationships. I have a chapter in my book called “No Strings,” and the idea is that you can share a moment with a stranger and be quite intimate, sometimes more easily than with people you’re close to. With close relationships, there’s more risk — what if they’re not okay with what I share? What if it makes things awkward? But with a stranger, it doesn’t carry that weight. Research in health psychology shows people often find it easier to talk about stigmatized issues — like addiction — with people they don’t know well, because there’s less shame involved.

There’s also a practical element: we don’t always spend time with the people we’re closest to. Sometimes the person who’s simply there is exactly what we need in that moment.

MF: You also talk about how strangers often give wiser responses than the people closest to us. Can you say more about that?

GS: Of course, I think it comes from objectivity. The people we’re close to tend to be similar to us — similar values, similar experiences. People we don’t know are more likely to have different perspectives and life experiences that give us a fresh take on things. There’s a small asterisk, though — they might recommend a course of action they themselves wouldn’t take. We’re actually wiser when advising others than when taking our own advice.

MF: One thing I really appreciated — especially now, when there’s so much uncertainty, probably globally, but definitely in the US, threats to democracy, people being laid off — is your point that talking to strangers can help us tolerate uncertainty. Can you say more about that?

GS: So many thoughts. I think one reason talking to strangers feels scary is that there’s literally no way to know how the conversation will go. You can’t predict it. That’s unsettling — but if you get into the practice of doing it, you start to confront that uncertainty and realize: it’s okay. Everything turned out fine. And I think that lesson generalizes. We can control very little of what happens in our lives, and it’s healthier to accept that.

What’s interesting is that my friend recently noticed that people at protests are talking to strangers much more than usual — because they have something obvious in common, which makes it easy to start a conversation.

A student emailed me recently — she was traveling home, and the bus broke down, and she said normally she would have just plugged in her headphones and gone inward. Instead, she talked to a woman nearby, and they ended up chatting about Dickens and the holidays. She said she felt so much calmer. I had a similar experience at the airport when security rules changed, and there was a massive line. The person next to me was on the same flight. Just chatting, knowing we were in it together — it made the whole thing feel less scary. Talking to someone helps when we’re uncertain.

MF: Maybe we cope with uncertainty by feeling like we’re not alone. You also mentioned that conversations with strangers tend to go much better than we expect. Can you tell us about the scavenger hunt study?

GS: I started this work by trying to figure out exactly what people fear about talking to strangers — what are the most common fears? And then I did studies trying to address those fears. I could reduce them a little, but there were so many that it became a bit like whack-a-mole: fix one, and another pops up.

But across all those studies, people consistently told me how they thought the conversation would go versus how it actually went — and they were always so far off. We worry far more than we need to.

So I thought — what if I made it into a game? I wanted people to have enough conversations that they could see a pattern, not just a one-time fluke. So I designed a study where people had to talk to a new person every day for a week. And what we saw was that each day got a little easier. People became less worried about rejection and felt more confident in their ability to start and sustain a conversation.

MF: So if you want to get better at talking to strangers — talk to strangers.

GS: Exactly. I know it sounds simple. But yes — you have fears, and those fears are real, but you can do it anyway. And here’s the thing: everyone you know was once a stranger. You already know how to do this.

One tip that resonated most with people in the scavenger hunt was inspired by the “liking gap” — the finding that when two people meet, we tend to underestimate how much the other person likes us. The tip was simply: be brave, people like you more than you think. Just a reminder that you can do something even when it’s scary.

MF: What percent of the time were people actually rejected?

GS: 13%. Out of 1,336 conversations, people were rejected about 13% of the time — so an 87% success rate.

And I’ve been doing some new work on rejection itself. Social rejection in general can feel brutal because our need to belong is so strong. But being rejected by a stranger is different — it can’t be personal, because they don’t know you. We’re running a study where participants are gently rejected on purpose — the person just says, “Sorry, I’d rather be alone right now.” And participants aren’t taking it personally. They’re attributing it to the other person being busy, distracted, anxious, or having something else going on. And that matters, because there really could be a million reasons — they’re shy, they don’t speak the language, they’re worried about something. You can tell yourself those stories, and they don’t even have to be true. You just feel better.

MF: That’s a good reminder to trust your own resilience.

GS: Exactly — there’s research on the psychological immune system showing we’re better at coping with things than we expect. And rejection by a stranger is a little thing to cope with, not a massive one.

MF: It reminds me of the idea of being “as safe as necessary, not as safe as possible.” Exposing yourself to small discomforts can actually build you up. Okay — so how do we actually do it? How do we talk to strangers?

Stay tuned for Part Two of my conversation with Dr. Sandstrom, which will be my April Newsletter. In the meantime, you can pre-order Dr. Sandstrom’s book, Once Upon a Stranger, which will come out on March 31st.

This transcript was lightly edited for clarity.

7 Important Takeaways on Talking to Strangers from my conversation with Dr. Sandstrom

• Even small acts of connection (making eye contact, smiling at a stranger) can make us less lonely.
• One way to cope with uncertainty is to find a connection. Next time you are struggling with uncertainty, talk to a stranger.
• The best way to get better at talking to strangers is by doing it. 
• Research finds that talking to strangers mitigates fears of rejection and builds confidence.
• 87% of the time, strangers are open to talking to you.
• If a stranger isn’t open to talking to you, trust that you’ll be better at coping with this than you expect.
• Exposing yourself to small discomforts can actually build you up. Remember to work towards being “as safe as necessary, not as safe as possible.”