When I was younger, every week, I got excited to scroll through Post Secret, a website where people send anonymous postcards disclosing their secrets. The website is still running. Some Father’s Day-related secrets, this week, include “23AndMe revealed that my biological father is my dad’s best friend,” “I’ve finally met a guy who doesn’t remind me of my dad…I’ve never been happier,” and “I know I’m to blame for my son’s mental illness.” Some people may wonder why people would send their secrets to a stranger. But, it was always clear to me.

There’s something inherently appealing about revealing ourselves. I’ve turned to science to back me up here.

When Happens in our Brain When We Reveal Ourselves

A 2012 study examined whether disclosing about the self affects our brainwaves. The researchers put participants inside an fMRI and had them judge whether a personality trait (e.g., curious, ambitious) matched themselves. They also judged whether these traits matched a former president. Compared to when they judged former presidents, when they judged themselves, their brain’s reward centers were more active. These same effects held when participants decided on their own preferences (“prefer coffee over tea”) or those of someone else.

But it wasn’t just disclosing about the self that activated the brain’s reward centers. It was also revealing things about the self to others. In a follow-up study, the researchers had participants bring a friend or a relative to the lab. The researchers placed participants in an fMRI and had them go through a similar procedure of judging preferences. Replicating the first study, the participants’ brains’ reward centers activated more when they thought about their own preferences. It activated, even more, though, when their preferences were shared with a friend or relative.

This study reveals that our brain chemistry grants us an intrinsic desire to reveal things about ourselves.  Sharing about ourselves activates the same part of our brain titillated by food or sex.  They say being a good conversationalist is all about asking people about themselves. Neuropsychology shows us why.

For more on friendship, order my book (debuts September 6th, 2022): Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make- and Keep -Friends.

Note: This article is cross-posted on my Psychology Today blog.