I once met a woman that was really good at initiating friendships. As a friendship expert who knows that initiation is often the bottleneck to friendship. I asked her what made it easy for her. She shared that her mother always told her “everyone wants to hear from you; they’re just waiting for you to ask.” 

Her mother is correct. People want you to initiate friendships with them. You’re not a burden, too much, or a loser for wanting to connect. And the science backs this up. 

A study called “The Surprise of Reaching Out: Appreciated More Than We Think” asked college students (Experiment 3) to write a short note and share a gift with someone they hadn’t spoken to in a while. They then predicted how much the responder would appreciate the act. Responders rated how much they actually appreciated it. The results indicated that people underestimated how much others appreciated it when they reached out. These findings held even when people reached out to weak ties, people they didn’t know too well (Experiment 4a). 

Why does this happen? 

It has to do with our own egocentric bias. While we’re thinking about our fears of rejection, how we might be imposing, these feelings are muddling our ability to discern the other person’s actual reaction. We’re not able to put ourselves, fully, in their shoes and see that they want to hear from us. 

It also has to do with surprise. Surprise tends to amplify our emotions, so if something good happens, and it’s surprising, then it feels even better. Typically people don’t expect us to reach out, and we do and it surprises them, it makes them feel even better. 

Just knowing this research can help you gain the confidence you need to reach out. Afterall, the study also found that when people learned about the study results, they were more likely to reach out to others. 

Questions for Reflection

• Who’s someone you’ve been meaning to reconnect with but haven’t reached out to yet?
  
• What fears or assumptions hold you back from initiating contact?
  
• How might it feel—for both of you—if you surprised them with a quick note or message today?

Try This

• Pick one person (a close friend or even a “weak tie”) and send them a short, kind message before the day ends.
• After you reach out, pause and notice how you feel. Did it match or differ from what you expected?
• At the end of the week, jot down what you learned about how people respond when you initiate.